Slow it down, Bob.
Need a doughnut break. We're having chest pains.
Keep it moving, flabby.
Opening night is less than a week away.
Where in the script does it say that Truman Capote has a fat, saggy ass?
In the very beginning. "Enter Capote, followed by his fat, saggy ass."
-Hi, Walt. -Oh, Suzie-Q, looking good. Ruthy.
-Let's have drinks again soon. -I'll call you.
Nice. When did you have drinks with her?
The other day. Didn't I tell you? She stopped by.
-Well, where was l? -You were....
Oh, that's right, you were taking a nap.
-So did you make a move? -I wanted to. I couldn't get her alone.
Had that friend, Ruthy, with her. She's like a frigging shadow.
-Hi. -Pole. Pole. Pole.
Okay, now that's seven mushroom, three onion...
...two regular cheese but one with no pickles.
And we have six fries, four Pepsi, and two 7 UP.
You got 180 seconds, or that food is free.
Keep your wallets handy, boys.
I keep flip-flopping whether to go with the suit or the kimono.
Hey, guys, we've got a tester on number six.
Okay, thanks, Mim. What did Robert Morse do in it?
He did both, but he had the budget for it.
We got 1 2 American Charlies, seven with fungus, three tearjerkers...
...two bare-assed, hold the pom-poms on one and frog sticks.
We could do it with three hands tied behind our backs!
Rocket, I need four Pepsi and two 7 UP on number six.
Don't forget, you've got two Diet Pepsi on number nine.
You got it, Mimmy. Three 7 UP coming up.
-No, it's two 7 UP-- -I got it. I got it.
Looks like they're having serious trouble.
Come on. Come on.
1 2, 1 1, 10, 9...
-...8, 7, 6, 5... -I'd go with the kimono.
...4, 3, 2--
-I'm sorry, boys. Maybe next time. -Thanks, Mimmy.
So close.
You downloaded another picture of your lnternet pal.
What's her name, Poon Tang?
-Her name is May Fong. -So she says.
She could be a 50-year-old circus freak...
...with six teeth and a set of hairy walnuts.
Nice.
They paid 3.5 million. We could've gotten it for 1.2.
I want my drink.
Well, hallelujah. We finally got our drinks.
Root beer machine had to be changed.
What the--? Hold on, pal. Diet Pepsi. We ordered Diet Pepsi. Are you dense?
I'm Rocket. Dennis works at the post office. Need stamps?
Oh, so you're a smart-ass, huh?
Oh, you idiot! These are my good pants!
Oh, those are her good pants.
Honey--
Unbelievable.
-I want to talk to the owner. -All right, right behind you.
Which one of you two is in charge of this dump?
Your damn busboy just ruined my wife's pants.
Well, I'm sorry about that. You know, club soda's good for that.
I'm sure you think it's very progressive to hire Jerry's Kids...
...but keep the freaks in the back...
...washing dishes, away from the paying customers.
You are absolutely right. How many times have I told you, Walt...
-...we don't want freaks here. -He tells me. I never--
-Ever! Ever, do you? -For some reason. I don't know why.
We're on top of it. We're gonna handle it right now.
Rocket, let me talk to you for a minute.
You know, we have a rule about freaks in this place. We don't like them.
And we don't want them.
So, Rocket, you see that door over there?
Would you escort this freak through it?
No problem. Right this way, please.
I'm not going anywhere.
Don't forget your bag.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Would you like those root beers to go?
All right, burgers on the house!
-He's just kidding, you cheap bastards. -No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
No, yeah, he is. He is.
-Nice stop, guys. Way to go. -Thanks, Stan.
Great game, Walt. That was a huge win.
Thanks, Stan. I was seeing the puck well tonight.
-Walt, how many saves you guys have? -I had 1 1, and Bob had 26.
Bob-o was standing on his head out there.
Check this out.
Wow, she's new. Hey, Dave, how about another tall one?
You got it. How about you there, Bob?
No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.
Got it.
I taste ice cream.
You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.
Hey, Romeo, how about you invite your friend May out for a visit this spring?
Vineyard can be romantic that time of year...
...and we so horny.
No, I checked the Farmer's Almanac. It's supposed to be a muddy spring.
No, it's gonna be sloppy. I don't want her to come out--
Seriously, man, I just-- You know, I want it to be right.
-I'm trying to be smart. -You overanalyze this stuff.
What is that supposed to mean?
You should be talking to this chickie-poo down at the bar.
-No. -Come on.
-Come on. Get over there. Say hello. -No. No. No, don't do it.
-No way. Cut it out. Stop it. -Go on. She's smiling at you.
If she wanted to talk to somebody, she would've brought a friend.
Hi. How are you? My name's Bob Tenor. But I'm really more of a baritone.
Hi, Bob.
This is my brother, Walt.
Look, if you're ever in town-- I mean, I know you're in town now...
...but I mean, if you're ever in town and not in a bar....
That came off wrong. It sounded like you were a skanky whore.
I'd love it if you'd come by Quikee Burger...
...which is my restaurant that I own with my brother, Walt.
You met him.
Time's up, Casanever.
-Can I join you for a drink? -Sure.
-Okay. What's your name? -Debbie.
-Hi, I'm Walt Tenor. -Nice to meet you.
Dear May, thanks for the latest photo,
I look at it whenever I'm in need of a smile,
I'm sending a picture of me at work, Hope you like it,
Yours, Bob,
I' m starting to cramp.
-Hey. -Hey.
-How's the letter coming? -Good.
Yeah, what do you got?
It's personal. You know, I don't go nosing into your business.
I'm sorry. Mind typing on your knees?
Okay.
Here we go. There you go. Turn around.
-Shouldn't you study your lines? -Not necessary. Locked and loaded.
Then help me stack the wood.
I can't. I could pull something. It's a performance day.
Aren't you a little bit nervous?
What's a four-letter word for snatch?
Grab.
You're not even a little bit nervous?
What's there to be nervous about?
Well, you're up there in a one-man show, in front of all those people.
You know, I'd be crapping myself.
It's my ninth year, I think I'm just....
I feel like I'm over it, you know?
-I guess that's how you have to be. -Well....
You're doing that blinking thing. Are you gonna have a panic attack?
-No, I'm cool. -Are you all right?
-You all right? -No, I'm not gonna--
-I'm gonna-- -Oh, God. Take it easy.
-Calm down. -I think I'm dying.
-I'm dying. -You're not.
-Oh, God. -You're having a panic attack.
-Come on. Take it easy. -Get my bag.
Wait, I'm having an arrhythmia.
Here you go. Breathe into the bag. Short breaths.
Concentrate on the breathing.
It's nine years in a row! I don't want to go on-stage.
Why do I have to go on-stage with you?
You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine, all right?
You're gonna have fun tonight, all right?
You're gonna have fun.
Any normal person with a normal sense of self-preservation...
...would understand that all an artist has is his life.
And what he observes as he passes through his life.
And any serious writer hanging out for years with the rich, well...
...my God, you'd have to be deluded to the point of derangement...
...not to realize that that writer was taking notes.
My God, I even told them.
They knew I was writing this book. What did they think I was there for?
The intellectual stimulation?
The wit?
The spiritual uplift?
I brought the intellect and the wit to the party.
Okay, okay, he's coming. He's coming.
Bravo! Bravo!
-You were just wonderful! -Thank you, Mim.
Yeah, Walt, you were great.
Bob, you sucked.
-Hey. -Come on, Rocket, I'm not an actor.
So, what's up for next year?
-Oh, I don't know. -Oh, come on, tell them the big idea.
-What is it? -He wants to do a musical version...
-...of Bonnie and Clyde. -All right!
-You were awesome last night. -Thanks.
Is everything all right? You seem a little--
Remember when we were little and we first found out we'd never be separated?
-Sure. -Made a blood pact that day, remember?
Yeah, we promised we'd never hold each other back, no matter what.
And we never have. Right off the bat, we made a hell of a team.
Trick or treat!
Get them! Get them!
Man, those freaks are fast.
Strike one!
Let's do it! Now, come on! Get out there!
Break. Break. Break. Break. Okay, come on. You keep it clean, now.
You're out!
Your kings and queens!
Right, Betty!
So, what's your point?
Here, sit down.
Oh, jeez.
I want to be an actor.
Yeah. Of course.
Look, I'm sorry, man. I know I freaked out yesterday...
...but I'll go on-stage with you again.
You can even sing if you want to. I'd never stop you from doing that.
I mean, I want to be a real actor.
I want to move to Hollywood.
-What?! -I think I got the chops for it.
Those people last night were moved.
-I got to them. -Look, those were your friends.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, I just meant....
Look, man, we're from Martha's Vineyard, okay?
You know, people here....
You know, we're lifeguards and fishermen.
We own restaurants.
We do not star in movies.
What about Meryl Streep?
She's not from the Vineyard. She shot one movie here.
She stayed on a couple extra weeks because she liked it.
-What are you--? What is your point? -Well....
Okay, look, I'm gonna put it to you this way.
Who were the last conjoined twins who were nominated for an Oscar?
I can't believe I'm hearing this from you, of all people.
Isn't that what people told us our whole lives?
We couldn't do what normal people did. Never stopped us.
By the way, Hollywood just happens to be in L.A. where May Fong lives.
I'm not ready for that. She's crowding me as it is.
Crowding you?! She's been your lnternet pal for three years.
You haven't even met her!
Look, man. What about me, man? I have a business here.
If things work out, we can open a Quikee Burger in L.A.
Yeah, or better yet, maybe you can get in the movie biz too.
What am I gonna do in the movie business?
I don't know. You could be my stunt double.
-Your stunt double? -Yeah.
If I gotta do, like, a dangerous stunt, you could do it...
...so that I don't get hurt.
Come on. I need to do this while I still can. I'm getting old, Bob.
-Walt, you're 32. -Going on 50.
Listen, I can't help it you got most of our liver. Okay?
I'm aging faster. I got bags under my eyes.
And you? Time's passing. You got nothing to show except for pictures.
-You haven't been laid in five years. -Hey, how would you know?
I don't know, Walt.
You know, we got a great thing going here.
-lt might not be the same-- -lt might be better!
Have you ever thought about that?
Three months, we go, we see how it works out.
If it doesn't, we come home. I'll be happy because I know we tried.
Okay, Hollywood...
...but you're gonna owe me bigtime for this.
Bye.
Bye, Bob.
You sure this is the right Hollywood and Vine?
-According to the brochure, it is. -Show us your power, Lord.
Lord, Lord, hates the sin, but loves the sinner.
-Show us your truth, Jesus. -Holy smokes.
Hey, freaks!
Yo!
Hello!
Fade out!
My wife's not out there, is she?
No, I haven't seen anybody.
That psycho midget's been riding my ass...
...to finish this screenplay I've been working on for the last two years.
This is it.
Clean sheets and towels.
There'll be a pot of green tea in the office every morning.
-Name's Moe if you need anything. -This is great.
Do you have a room with a double bed?
Sorry, this is all I got.
But tell you what I can do...
...I'll see if I can get a queen bed in here in about a week or two.
-See you guys. -Thanks, Moe.
Give her a call. Let her know we're here.
What--?
This is serious. We have a lot of things to do out here.
Not the least of which is get you into a casting agency...
...without them laughing you out of the room.
Why would they laugh?
I mean, look at you.
You're pale as a ghost. We gotta get you a tan.
Okay, what's a four-letter word for voiceless, ends in D?
-Surd. -Surd?
Surd with a U.
I gotta tell you, this crossword's a lot easier than the one I'm used to at home.
Well, well, well, what do we have here?
-Hey! -Hi.
-Are you new around here? -Got in this morning.
-My name's Walt. -Hey, I'm April.
-This is my brother, Bob. -Hey. Bob Tenor.
Have a seat.
So you guys are brand-new.
-Our first California sunburn. -We're official.
You're gonna love it here at the Star.
I've been here, like, two and a half years, and--
Hey, you guys are stuck together. And I still love it here.
We're like one big happy family.
So where'd you get this done?
No, no, we were born like this.
Cool. Cool. And where are you guys from?
Massachusetts. Bob here's a lover/grillman...
...and I came out to give acting a shot.
Oh, my God! I'm an actor too.
-Oh, yeah? -You're an actor?
Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I want to be one.
Right now I'm just kind of a lingerie model.
Oh, my God! So am l.
No, he isn't.
No, seriously, like, do you have an agent?
No, no, not yet. How about you?
No, not momentarily, but I did have one.
This colostomy bag named Morty O'Reilly.
-Hey, you want a beer? -Yeah.
I've had better luck on my own. Every morning I read Back Stage West.
-Can I see? -Yeah.
And it lists all the open casting calls.
Yeah, you don't even need an agent with that thing.
Bob, check this out. Right here.
"Wanted: Tall, handsome, distinguished actor...
...to play Robin Hood for the new millennium."
-That's you! -That is me!
-That is you! -ls that me?
-Yeah, it's you! -lt is me.
You guys are fun.
Listen, ye all, and hear me now.
The sheriff of Nottingham will come forth...
...but he will not bend this merry band of--
Of brothers!
He will--
Who put you up to this?
It was Lovett over at CAA, wasn't it?
Joan, get that SOB on the horn for me, will you, please?
Did you bring a headshot and list of your credits?
You know, I was supposed to do that, and I forgot it at home.
Sometimes I think he'd forget his own brother if I wasn't sewn on.
Okay, thank you for coming. We'll be in touch.
No.
I'm sorry, but the message that we're trying to get across...
...is that Dubble Bubble doubles the taste, not causes birth defects.
I don't know. Maybe you were right, Bob.
Maybe this is a pipe dream.
Yeah. Probably time to face facts.
If you haven't made it in the first 72 hours...
-...you should probably just pack it in. -Right.
I bet Meryl Streep wasn't out here six hours before she got her big break.
De Niro too.
And Steve Buscemi? With his pearly whites...
...he was in town 45 minutes before he got his first role.
-Are you making fun of me? -You bet I am.
I know you were born without a liver, but you got some backbone, didn't you?
-You gotta admit these past couple of-- -I'm not gonna admit anything.
How do we know the Lion King producers...
...aren't looking for some conjoined hyenas as we speak?
Know who will get the part now?
Those Schappell sisters from Oregon who are stuck at the forehead.
Why? They're country-and-western singers, not actors.
Because you quit, that's why.
Right.
-Maybe I was a little hasty. -Good.
Hey, don't worry about anything.
I happen to have a little plan that's going into effect first thing tomorrow morning.
All right. You're a great brother, Bob.
Yeah, I know, now zip the lip. Let's get some sleep.
I like your plan.
The car's only plan A. Plan B is to get you an agent.
Right.
Retirement home? Are you sure we got the right address?
This is what he gave me.
Maybe we should try someone else. April said this Morty guy's a total sleaze.
But you said he's the only one that would give us an appointment.
I want you to know up front...
...that O'Reilly only represents actors who are truly committed to their craft.
That's me, Mr. O'Reilly. I am fully committed.
Committed enough to pay my $200 up-front service fee?
Which, of course, is used to defray the costs of registration fees...
...entitlement paperwork and what have you.
-What are you doing? -I'm showing him how committed I am.
You're showing him how stupid you are. Here.
We'll give you $100 because you're only representing one of us.
Look, I'm gonna level with you.
Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've had.
We're not Siamese. We're American.
I think what my brother's saying is, he'd prefer the term "conjoined twins."
Okay, but I should let you know...
...I'm not one of those run-of-the-mill suits. I'm a full-service agent.
-Meaning? -I get 25 percent.
-Well, what does he get in return? -Seventy-five percent.
Well, I gotta tell you, I think he seemed like a real player.
I guess.
Oh, my God. It's her.
Who?
Don't, don't, don't, don't gawk. Don't do that.
She's famous. She probably hates when people gawk.
I like that part, but I just....
I think we gotta at least go by and say hi.
A minute ago, we couldn't even look at her...
-...and now we're gonna go say hello? -Hey, Bob, relax. It would be rude not to.
I'll do all the talking.
Excuse me, Ms. Streep.
Sorry to interrupt your lunch.
I know this is completely inappropriate...
...but my brother Bob is a big fan of yours. He just--
He wanted to come by and say hi.
-Hi. -Hi, Bob.
We're from Oak Bluffs on Martha's Vineyard.
I've been there.
Yeah, I know you have. Actually, we're friends with Timmy Sheehan.
-Who? -Timmy Sheehan.
Remember, he waited on you one time at Jimmy Sea's restaurant?
Remember? You autographed his menu for him.
I did.
I know because I read it and it said:
"To Timmy, a good waiter. From Meryl Streep."
But the way you signed the P, it looked like an L...
...so we used to call Timmy all the time and say:
"Hello, this is Meryl Streel calling." We were just busting his nuts.
True story.
I think I remember him.
I ordered some food, and he brought it to me.
That would be him. He's a real character.
I can't believe you just come to a restaurant and nobody bugs you.
Well....
Let's go.
Well, let me go.
Nice meeting you.
You know, by the way, if you ever just wanna...
...get away, have a little hang time, we're at the Rising Star apartments.
It is a pretty sweet setup.
We got a barbecue pit there. Gas. He does steaks and chops.
We got a pool, a little grassy knoll area, and feel free to just come by any time.
Okay. I'll keep it in mind.
-Great. And bring the posse. -Okay.
Bring the posse.
Hey!
Wait a minute. I do remember you guys.
Homecoming '87. Oh, my God! I was at that game.
With seconds on the clock, it's fourth down, one yard to go.
-Safety cheating. -Check. Check.
Check. Check. Apache 36. Apache 36.
Okay, let's go.
Hike.
I'm wide open.
Touchdown, Vineyard. Sharks win, 22-21.
That was you!
He actually is the one who scored the winning touchdown.
Well, you threw him a hell of a block.
I've always told you that. You never give yourself enough credit.
As you can see, I'm on crutches. I was wounded during the Vietnam War.
Had a hunting accident while hiding in Canada.
Tried that Viagra stuff the other day.
I didn't get an erection, but I could walk for three hours.
Did a benefit for Jehovah Witnesses...
...all's they wanted to hear were "knock, knock" jokes.
Then the three of us just sat there and talked for, like, an hour.
Meryl-- She asked me to call her Meryl.
Very knowledgeable on the film industry. She says I should plug away...
...because I have twice the presence of most actors she's met.
-Well, you do. -Thanks.
Anyway, I told her my first love's the theater back home...
...felt I had to give Hollywood a crack...
...but if I ever go back, I should call her. She's dying to go to the Vineyard.
She might even star in a show with me.
-Really? Walt, that's great! -I know.
I love it when famous people are not dickwads.
That's the Streeper, perfectly normal. As normal as you and me.
Stop. Anyway....
-Can I ask you a personal question? -Nine inches.
I wasn't gonna ask that. Nine inches?
Yeah, it's about nine inches across.
No, actually, what I was gonna ask you is...
...if you guys ever considered, you know, getting separated?
There's a lot of great plastic surgeons here. A lot. I mean, just look at these.
Well, our problem can't really be fixed through a simple cosmetic surgery.
We share a liver. He's got most of it.
There's no way they can just nip and tuck so you both get some?
There is and there isn't.
The doctors at Mass General told us they could split us up at no risk to Bob...
...but there's a 50-50 chance that I wouldn't make it, so....
Oh, God, no. I don't blame you for not doing it.
No! No, no, no, I wanted to do it. Bob wouldn't allow it.
Oh, Bob.
Yeah. He's really something.
Hey, are you even sure you need a liver?
My friend had his appendix out and he's okay.
Okay. I'm gonna take a little sleepy now.
Good night.
I'm not here.
Hello.
No, he is currently unavailable. Can I take a message?
-Oh, hey, Morty. -I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
You know, l-- He is waking up from his afternoon nap.
Hold on, please.
Hello!
You're kidding me. What--?
Of course I'll be there.
Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. Thanks a lot.
I got a job.
What?
It's a motion picture called Pavlov's Dog!
I start tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.!
Do you hear that, Bob? I'm a working actor!
Great!
Hey, it gets even better.
In five minutes, you have a date with the girl of your dreams.
Bobby!
Come on.
Bobby.
Would you calm down? I thought you'd be happy about this.
Oh, God. How could you?
-How could you? -lt was easy.
I called information, I got her number, and I called her before you woke up.
Thank you.
No, she is from California, Walt, she's not used to Siamese twins.
Siamese? Hey, what happened to conjoined?
Oh, just cut the bullshit! We're gonna freak her out!
Excuse me.
Hello?
May I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking for Bob Tenor.
-Apartment five. -Thank you.
-Have you been honest with this girl? -Yeah.
-By and large. -Well....
-Didn't tell her about yourself, did you? -Of course I did!
I just....
I didn't tell her about you.
I can't deal with you right now.
The pictures! What about the pictures, Bob?
-I cut you out of them. -Oh, well, that's great!
That is really, really great! That says a lot, brother.
-Ashamed of me, huh? -No, I'm not ashamed of you.
I just don't know how I feel about myself sometimes.
-Okay, okay, okay. -What am I gonna do?
-We'll go out the back window. -Yeah, okay, we'll make a run for it.
We're not running anywhere.
Hey! Where have you been hiding?
Hi, Bob.
-Just go ahead and tell her. -Live your own life.
Hop in!
Well, well, we finally meet.
-I can't believe you're actually here. -Yeah, I know. It's amazing, huh?
You look a lot bigger than in your photos.
Well, I would hope so, or else I'd only be three inches tall.
Hi, I'm Bob's brother, Walt. I spoke to you on the phone.
Walt, meet May.
Nice to meet you, Walt.
-You never told me you had a brother. -I never told you I had a brother.
Are we going somewhere?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made dinner reservations.
Tenor, party of three.
I believe we had an 8:1 5 reservation.
-Can I help you? -We'll have two Jumbo Jacks, please.
A Sourdough Jack, three fries, and three medium Pepsis.
-Two Jumbo Jacks, one Sourdough,,, -Got a favorite parking spot here, Bob?
,,, three medium Pepsis, Anything else?
-So how was the trip here? -Oh, awesome, awesome flight.
Yeah, you should've seen it. We played cards.
-Cards are fun. -Yeah.
Grand Canyon.
-We flew right over the Grand Canyon. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it's, like, real different from the Vineyard, with the big hole and shit.
And it was orange.
Do you guys remember that Allen movie, Annie Hall...
...where the guy goes out with the girl and to ease the tension...
...he suggests they kiss at the beginning of the date.
-Yes! -Do you remember this?
-That's a really good scene. -The best is when...
...Diane Keaton's brother says he's gonna drive into the truck...
...and kill everybody in the car.
Yeah.
May, I think there's something I should tell you.
Yes.
Go ahead.
You see, the reason that I'm acting kind of strange--
-I think I'm dying! -Lord.
-I think-- I can't-- -Are you okay?
-I can't breathe! -Oh, my God.
Should we get out?
No, you're having a panic attack. Here, breathe into this.
-You don't like me, do you? -What?
You're disappointed with me.
No! No, you're awesome! You're even better in person!
-No, I'm not. -Yes!
Oh, yeah. You're a hottie. Absolutely.
Just breathe into there. No, no, no. Oh, God, I'm, I'm, I'm--
I'm so embarrassed. I waited so long to meet you, and now I'm blowing it.
-No! No. -No. No.
You're not blowing anything. No blowing.
You're so much better than I could-- I'm actually happy you're having this...
...because it means we have even more in common.
-I freak out too. -He does.
-You really have panic attacks? -Oh, all the time.
I was actually just about to have one, and then you beat me to the punch.
Hey, sorry...
...to have Walt here tagging along on our date.
You know, he can be a little clingy.
You know, it's his first time out on the Left Coast...
...and, you know, he's heard about the gangs...
...and the Crips and the Bloods, and....
I was less nervous about it. I actually looked into joining the Crips.
But I found that the Bloods had a better dental plan.
No. No, sir, that's not true. They wouldn't take me.
-I had a lot of fun tonight, Bob. -Yeah, me too.
Well, anyway...
-...I guess this is it. -Yep.
Will you walk me to the door?
-I wanna get out and stretch my legs. -Sure, sure.
Yeah.
The sidewalk's safer.
I'm gonna walk you guys right to the front door.
This is beautiful, by the way. I got an early-morning call time.
-Good luck tomorrow, Walt. -Oh, thank you very much. Thanks.
You guys have probably seen enough of me. I'll just get out of your hair.
-Good night, Bob. -Good night, May.
-Yes! Yes! -Hey. Hey, hey.
-Good kisser? -Yeah, I'm not bad.
-Oh, that's good. That's cute. -That is good, huh?
-No, no, no! It's not funny! Come on. -Who's your daddy?
-You're my daddy. -That's it.
-So, what's this Pavlov's Dog about? -I don't know.
They didn't send me a script.
Probably one of those Disney movies with the talking animals.
"I'm Pavlov."
-Hey, great makeup job, fellas! -Thanks. You too.
Am I just talking to hear my brains rattle? I'm hot!
Do you hear me? I am hot!
Look what it says here, Howard. Who's hot, who's not. Cher, red-hot!
You're hotter than hot! You're on fire. There's no question about it.
Then answer me this. Why am I doing this lame-ass TV show...
-...when I should be doing movies? -Because you signed a contract...
...and the network's holding you to it. Honey and the Beaze isn't lame-ass.
You're a sassy lawyer who uses DNA evidence...
...to free wrongly convicted minorities. This is cutting-edge stuff.
Oh, cut the crap, Howard. Come on, this TV show...
...makes Touched by an Angel look like Trainspotting!
Before I busted my nut to get you this gig, you were two weeks away...
-...from being the corner square? -Center square.
You told me they wanted me for center square.
I did say that. And you see, what happened is...
...Alf was able to free up his schedule, and, well, they want--
If you didn't get lucky with one lousy indie film, you'd be begging for this job.
Let me explain something to you, okay?
First, that lousy little indie film has grossed over 200 million dollars!
And secondly, I don't beg. And you know why I don't beg?
-No. -Because I am a fucking Oscar winner!
Cher.
Oh, hi. Can I help you?
Sorry, we're looking for stage 32, and a little lost.
Thirty-- There's no 30-- Let me have a look at that.
You're on the wrong lot. You want stage 32 at Half-Mast Studios.
-That's across the street. -Oh, well....
So that would explain why the guard was shooting at us.
Sorry to bother you.
What?
You're Cher.
-Oh, boy. -l-- Sorry. I'm sorry.
-I'm just a bi-- I'm a big fan. Big. -He is.
Big fan of your work. And I'm an actor too.
-You guys are an actor? -No, no. Not him. Not him. Just me.
-I'm a short-order cook back East. -Yeah.
He does that, and I'm out here right now just kind of going through it, you know?
Living it right now. It's going well too. I got a couple of things going on.
I'm doing a gig across the street, actually.
I have an agent. Could I just trouble you for an autograph?
We're busy.
-Right. Okay. No heat on that. -Wrap it up.
All right, well, just keep on keeping on.
Do what you do.
That really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?
"That really puts things into perspectiv--" Just get me out of the stinking show!
So this is your first job, huh?
Yes. Yes, it is. Actually, I was wondering...
...is there somebody around who might have a script?
I haven't gone over my lines.
They're just gonna set up the scenes...
...and then they're gonna let you all just kind of wing it.
Improv. This director sounds very progressive.
I guess.
Who exactly is in this film?
Phil Rupp, Lolly Gagger, Marianna Trench...
...and Rebecca Romaine-Staymoist.
Phil Rupp. Never heard of him.
-You're kidding. -No.
You never heard of Phil Rupp? Oh, he's done over 500 films.
Hey, what exactly is Pavlov's Dog about anyway?
Pavlov's Dog? It isn't Pavlov's Dog. It's Pavlov's--
--Dong. Scene 1 4, take one.
And, action.
That's it, Phil, you spring to life now. Good. Excellent. A little more.
Give me some more. I want some more. Nice.
Phil, you disappear now. The freaks are gonna jump in...
...and we discover the whole scene's a horrible nightmare.
Wait. Look, Cher, if you break this contract...
...they'll blackball the both of us. You'll be finished.
I don't give a goat's bobo what it says on that thing.
I knew we shouldn't have trusted that bastard Morty.
Maybe he didn't know what the movie was about.
He was the executive producer!
Yeah.
Doesn't that contract say I can choose my own co-star?
Yeah. So what?
I just found my leading man.
Men.
What are you, frigging nuts? Siamese twins!
-The network'll never go for that. -Exactly.
That way they'll break the contract and not me.
Don't-- Cher, please, don't do this.
Hey, guys! Guys?
I just want to say that I am really sorry for being a bitch back there...
...but I was in the middle of being balled out by my creepy manager...
...and I guess I took it out on the wrong people.
Hi, Bob.
Hi, May.
Walt, what happened to your foot?
I fell off my unicycle.
-Easy. -I sprained it pretty bad.
This is our friend April.
-Hi, May. -Nice to meet you.
-God, you're a doll. Good going. -Thanks.
So we're all here. What's the big news?
-Yeah, what's going on? -Okay, well, as of tomorrow...
...my brother, Walter L. Tenor, the thespian...
...will be co-starring in his very own major network television series!
-That's incredible. -It's called Honey and the Beaze.
Cher plays Honey, I have the role of Mack Beasley.
-Cher Cher? -One of the nicest women.
-As classy as they come. -You must've done a great audition!
-He didn't even have to! -Nothing.
We bumped into Cher on the studio lot, and she invited us out for coffee.
Actually, yerba mat�s, which is this very soothing tea drink--
-Six bucks, though. -Yeah.
She starts telling us all this personal stuff like, she's been in a relationship...
...for the last three years with a very high-profile actor...
-...but they've kept it out of the press. -Who?
How would we know? That's way too personal.
-You didn't ask her? -No, I asked a lot.
And she said, "That's way too personal."
We had it going on! And I was going:
Mikey! I haven't seen you, man.
To Bob, my best friend, who I'm just getting to know.
-Hello, May. -Wes!
Oh, aren't you gonna introduce me to your best friend?
-Hi, name's Bob Tenor. -Yeah, I know who you are.
-You're HoldthePickle@hotmail.com. -I came up with that.
-It's a double-entendre. -I'm sorry, Bob.
He hacked into my computer at work and read my mail.
Don't be pissed there, lover boy, okay?
I think I had a right to check up on my girl.
-I am not your girl! -Not my girlfriend, huh?
Then what was that about up at Mulholland when you sucked--
Hey, hey, hey! I think we've heard enough, okay?
Bob, let him finish.
When you sucked down a six-pack with me and said you cared for me.
-You-- -I said I cared for you as a co-worker.
You have good business sense. That's all.
Hey, Wes, why don't you go drown your sorrows somewhere else, okay?
I have a better idea.
You and me, why don't we step outside? Let's go. Come on.
No, no, no, you stay out of this. This is between him and me.
Come on, burger boy, stand up. What the hell's wrong with you two?
-You can't fight fair? -No, Bob, do not fight him.
He's a black belt.
Just like I thought. You're a pussy.
Let's not let that--
--ruin our night.
-Come on, let's dance. -Oh, no, I'm a terrible dancer. I--
Come on.
Walt, should you be dancing on a sprained ankle?
Gonna take more than a sprain to keep me off this dance floor.
You were right about your brother Walt.
He really doesn't give you much rope, does he?
She's not talking to you.
The weather's been just unbelievable, isn't it?
It's just, like, incredible.
Because I bet back home that it's snowing still.
Well, snow is beautiful too.
Oh, no, no, no, snow's my favorite. I love snow. It's awesome.
Hey, and we don't have earthquakes there, either.
-Earthquakes scare me. -Oh, me too. They, like, freak me out.
Hey, what's with all these maniacs who live on the cliffs, like on stilts out here?
-These people are out of their minds. -I couldn't do that.
My dream house would have to have a yard.
No, you definitely have to have a yard. That way, that way we could have dogs.
I meant, me and my wife could have dogs.
Not you.
Not that I have anything against you.
Hey, May, let's go to the bathroom.
-We'll be right back. -See you.
How'd my right-hand man make out?
Look, man, I don't want any trouble.
Holy shit!
She's cheating on you with a circus freak!
Hey, Walt, Walt, Walt...